[Back to Basics] Tips for Filing out Your FetLife ‘About Me’

This post includes text I wrote in Winter 2020 for a now defunct blog. Since I’ve seen the need for this topic to be considered and very little coverage of it, I rediscovered this text and edited it lightly to share:

Recently, I was considering seeking a job. However, within two minutes of my friendly mock interview, this one, big, bad, open-ended question pops up. “So, tell us a bit about yourself.” Every adjective and noun that could possibly apply to me fell straight out of my brain at that moment.

This is the pressure of the ‘About Me’ section of FetLife for people new to the lifestyle.

Admittedly, any ‘About Me’ has this issue. However, for akink newbies, FetLife asks them to be vulnerable with aspects of themselves they may have never revealed before and desires they’ve only dreamed of living out. If you’re one of those newbies, FetLife’s version of “Tell us a bit about yourself,” can send you reeling. 

People in the public kink community value authenticity – It’s often at social events and dungeons with other kinky people that we can truly be ourselves. You will connect better with other kinksters when you match that authentic energy. Much like a career coach can prep you for an interview but can’t feed you exact answers, I hope to provide you with principles that need to be met in a FetLife profile so that the finished product is genuinely you. 

Who Are You?

In the first paragraph, we’re going to introduce roles about us that might be relevant to kinky friends and potential partners. Readers want to know the general idea of you in the kink world. If you’re not sure, no worries, we have a great starting point.

The BDSM test provides a place to start if you’re not sure how to put a name to what you’re interested in. However, this is only a starting point. A big trap here that many newbies fall into is copying and pasting their test results whole cloth into their profile. This puts all the work of understanding the results onto the reader. Instead, when you do the BDSM test, look at your top results that are over 85%. If you don’t understand a role, click on the “More Info” button for a concise summary. Then, pick three to five roles that resonate with you and that you feel you understand decently well.

Once you have these, you’re not quite done yet. These three to five roles are our nouns, but now we need to think about the adjectives and adverbs in the situation. For example, let’s say that we have two people into bondage with rope. Rope Rigger A says that she is a “sadistic, hedonistic rigger,” while Rope Rigger B says that he “provides a spiritual and transformative bondage experience.” These people have very different styles, and the type of people that will enjoy their play will be different. If both had just written they were into rope bondage, it could lead to some confusion and even heartache for potential play partners.

So, for each role you have, think about one or two descriptors of how you do those things or that you imagine you’d do those things. It’s okay if you’re absolutely new to something! Nothing you say is set in stone. Saying something like “I think I’m focused on service-oriented submission, but I don’t know much about it yet,” works well in this situation. Once you have a handful of roles with descriptors, write them out into a few short sentences.

If you’re looking for more than casual play, such as friends or ongoing partners, it’s helpful to add a few words about what you do outside of kink. Contrary to popular belief, we do talk about metal music or Pokemon over coffee sometimes, not even a flogger in sight. If you’re a member of a fandom, deep into a hobby, or really identify with your job, try to explain what that means to you in just one or two sentences. If you can connect this vanilla interest back to your kinky ones, you get bonus points, but that’s not always possible.

At this point, you’re almost done with your first paragraph. Briefly go back to the beginning. You can start with a salutation that’s straightforward such as “Hello, I’m slave david!” or silly like “You’ve wandered into a dark cave, and among the labyrinth, you’ve found this profile!” Keep in mind you’re setting the tone for the rest of the text, so if you start with stoic, cheerful, or intimidating, you’ll bring that tone with you for the rest of what you write. Mentioning your name and title can also be very helpful to people reading who might want to message you.

Now you’ve got all of the elements of your introduction. This should be a paragraph of four to seven sentences. We’re aiming for a total of 500 words or fewer, which is the same as one printed page. Since we’ll be writing four paragraphs, each one should be a maximum of 125 words. Here’s an example

Hello all! I go by Mistress Lavender in this kinky world of ours. I’m a sensual Dominant woman with a desire to control a great deal of my sub’s life. My great love is for rope, which can keep my authority top of mind even when my hands are elsewhere. I also dabble with pain – As a reaction junkie, I live for the screams and whimpers of my victims. In the vanilla world, I’m a cinephile and totally obsessed with the films of Bong Joon-ho. In fact, I’ve begun creating amateur films in my free time. I bring that creativity to everything I do, including kink.

What Do You Want?

With the next two paragraphs, you’ll be writing about why yiy made this profile in the first place. This can be difficult to answer initially, but FetLife’s “Looking For” section provides a great start.

Choose two things you’re looking for, as these will be the basis of your next two paragraphs. For each, consider what factors are important to you. Demographics such as age, gender, kink role, and location matter, especially for relationships. Then mention the activities you’re interested in doing together. These could look something like this example:

I’m looking for friends in the Dallas area! I would love to meet people who are roughly around my age and submissive or switchy. It would be cool if you’re also unattached so we can connect (The struggle is real!)  While I’d love to talk kink when we want, I also love to play board games and eat sushi with friends! 

If you’re looking for something beyond the platonic, remember that your profile isn’t a personal ad, so there’s no need to go into excruciating detail about the ins and outs of your ideal relationship. That’s a post for another time!

How Should Kinksters Contact You?

Finally, let people know how to reach out. This means more than the medium, although that’s important too. From an outsider’s perspective, it can be difficult to think of what to say if you don’t mention what kind of message you want. Plus, if you think you’re receiving a lot of shitty messages, you can easily tell who hasn’t read your profile. Specific prompts could look like this:

  • For someone who mentioned that they love TTRPGs: “Message me to debate D&D versus Pathfinder!”
  • For someone looking for a servant: “Let me know what service skills you offer in your first message.”
  • For someone seeking friends to attend events with: “Please reach out if you see we’ve RSVP’d to the same event!”

If you don’t say where to message you, people will assume you mean directly on FetLife. Otherwise, let them know what platform you prefer and your handle.

Final Thoughts

The “About Me” section can be difficult, especially because it’s sometimes the first impression that someone has of you. That’s exactly why investing time into your profile is important! There are certainly other factors to success on FetLife and in the public kink community as a whole. If there’s interest, I can discuss these in another post.

Do you have a different idea of how to write your “About Me”? What other difficulties do you have with FetLife? Let me know in the comments!

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