Thriving When You Don’t Have Someone to Serve

Someone in a Discord community that I moderate asked for advice about maintaining life structure after the relationships supporting it ends. This is a topic of interest for me, and I’d like to share my thoughts.

I am someone who is only fully functional when I have a D-type in my life. There’s a lot of stigma against that statement, but it’s true. While I can survive without a Master, I do not truly thrive. In the kink community, there is a fear that vanilla folks might think all s-types are this way. Perhaps kinksters are worried that it makes us look co-dependent. Due to this stigma, some s-types are especially worried about that perception and can be a bit cruel to those of us who express this.

With this in mind, when I don’t have anyone in my life to serve or the service isn’t at the intensity I need, I must find other ways to be as functional as possible. I’d like to share what I’ve found helps, even if it’s specific to me.

Create as much structure and protocol as you can by yourself. Wake up at the same time every day and keep a bedtime. Create checklists for common, repetitive activities. Keep up with the chores in your own home. If you have a planner, fill it out every day. Keep monthly, weekly, and daily goals. This helps me with motivation to get out of bed.

Work with friends to help you maintain the structure you’ve designed. This could be a fellow s-type, a part-time D-type, or even a vanilla friend. While you do the mental heavy lifting of creating the structures and protocols, you can check in with your friend to make sure you’re doing what you’ve agreed to do. Consider that you might hire a Pro Domme to work with you on this. While I had difficulty finding a sex worker who would do this kind of day-to-day lifestyle domination with me, I know others who have had much better experiences.

Set goals to grow with service to your future D-type in mind. For example, if you know you have issues with abandonment fear, you could set goals and use the structure you created to read about insecure attachment and journal about it. Maybe you want to change your appearance in some way that’s important to you. You might find it helpful to think about your future D-type and how they will be impressed to see all the work you’ve done. I would often visualize myself kneeling at my future Master’s feet, telling them all that I’ve done to bring them honor. I found this very motivating, even when I had difficulty doing other things.

Get involved in the public kink community. When I say this, I generally mean the in-person kink community if possible, as some parts of the online kink community focus on unrealistic porn. If possible, attend classes and speak with long-term power dynamic couples for their perspectives and advice.

Find places to direct your service. For example, perhaps you can serve the local kink community by volunteering at a dungeon or teaching a class. Maybe instead you volunteer in a vanilla sense by working with animals or kids. You could also focus on your career for a while. This will help you to develop your skills, but also keep you from going a little mad. It’s also important to prevent self-isolation.

Think, a lot. Perhaps think of this the way you might think about unemployment; This is a time to work on your ‘resume’ so to speak.Revisit anything you’ve thought about with your limits, and make sure that’s up to date. Write down what you offer and what you’re looking for. Write about any trauma you have and how it affects the way you serve and surrender. Write about what motivates your service and your favorite ways to serve. Write about your previous power dynamic relationships, why you entered it, and why it ended. Write to learn. This is both for you and your future D-type.

Finally, remember to take care of yourself emotionally. If a power dynamic has just ended, give yourself the space and time to grieve this loss. It can also be difficult to maintain hope sometimes. Please remember that you have value and something great to offer both the world and your future D-type.

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