Gary Chapman formed the concept of love languages in his experience as a marital counselor. While it hasn’t been proven scientifically, many people find it helpful to frame the ways that they express affection. While Chapman seems to be focused on heterosexual and vanilla marriages, many kinksters resonate with the love languages and use them in their relationships. The love languages are as follows:
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
While some may assume that all kinksters involved in service-focused relationships prefer service as their love language, life often proves more complex. In writing this, I hope to provide a starting point for servants who serve a person, or people, with a love language aside from service. As a result, I hope you’ll find that service can be extremely versatile and satisfying to many types of people.
In power exchange relationships, it may be common for the love language of the principal to take priority. However, it’s important to discuss this and arrange for everyone to get their needs met. For example, if the butler desires words of affirmation and the principal desires gifts, I recommend considering the “Service for Gift Lovers.” Then, you can discuss ways that the servant can receive words of affirmation as part of this service. I believe you can find services, rituals, and routines that fit your needs.
It is important to first align our definitions of service. As noted in Vital Definitions, service includes anything that one does that the principal finds helpful. It seems that people discussing love languages use a similar definition, as the vanilla website Crated with Love defines service as “[a]nything that can make your partner feel appreciated or that can help make their life easier.”
As a note, if you’re uncomfortable with using the word ‘love’ for your relationship, I want to add that I find that the term ‘love language’ is a bit of a misnomer. For our context, it’s helpful to think of love language as the way one shows affection, adoration, and even worship. For ease, I will be using the term love language throughout, but keep in mind that this does not limit the services I discuss to romantic relationships.
Exploring the Love Languages
Service for Touch Lovers
The ways that people, especially kinksters, touch one another can vary widely. From a gentle caress to the sting of a whip, many people focus their kink on intense sensations. Here I present some ways that you can serve someone with touch as a love language.
This is a personal favorite of mine. In particular, I enjoy the fact that massage can match the formality of an event. For example, if you’ve just met a Domme that you’d like to get to know, you could offer to massage her hand at an event. From there, the amount of intimacy can progress if your relationship becomes more involved, perhaps leading to a full body massage if desired.
Helping someone with their personal care routines can be very helpful and include a great deal of affectionate touching. This can include drawing a bath and washing your principal as they relax, using basic manicure and pedicure skills to freshen up their look, and even applying makeup for that final touch. Whether there’s a special event that day or it’s a casual evening, personal care service can be luxurious.
While pain play and bondage represent vital aspects of the kink scene, many people overlook play as an opportunity to serve. By creating and maintaining a service mentality with your principal, both bottoming and topping can be an enriching way to connect with a principal who enjoys touch.
Of course, sexual service innately involves physical touch, but you can increase the intimacy with a worshipful tone. By combining the sexual service with other loving touch activities mentioned earlier, you can heighten the intensity of a scene and or service.
Service for Gift Lovers
Gifts might seem like a difficult way to show your adoration if your budget is limited. However, in my experience serving people who enjoy gifts, their enjoyment comes from the attention paid to their preferences and the thought devoted to choosing a gift. Therefore, I believe you may be able to serve a gift lover without spending much money or even spending money at all.
A butler with a good memory, or a well-placed notepad, can serve their principal by remembering their favorite alcoholic and nonalcoholic drinks, seat in an airplane, material of sheets in a hotel, and so on. This can extend to many aspects of life and can enhance many other services. Even remembering that your principal loves a particular scent can help them to feel cared for and appreciated.
Some people don’t enjoy shopping, and even for those that do, it can be time consuming. For someone who appreciates affection through gifts, you could serve by finding the perfect product for them. I advise that you should only do this with their consent, which includes discussing if the money for the purchase comes out of your budget or theirs. Personal shopping can be in response to a single need or part of ongoing personal assistant service.
You may be surprised to find that professional butlers often learn to arrange fresh flowers as part of their repertoire of skills. If you can make a connection with a florist, plan a flower garden, or even have access to relatively cheap grocery store flowers, you can take time to learn ways to arrange bouquets. This connects to your skills for remembering preferences, as recalling what colors, scents, and types of decor that your principal enjoys can take this gift from decent to personalized and excellent.
As with personal shopping, using your principal’s budget to organize an event for them can be a wonderful way to provide value without using your own money. Set a budget and a plan with them, then allow them to have as much involvement as they’d like. Designing a whole day of pampering for them, where all they need to do is arrive, can be a great way to serve at a distance as well.
Service for Time Lovers
Those who have quality time as a love language enjoy spending dedicated time with their partner. In vanilla contexts, this can involve doing an activity together. Many of the services listed under touch could also satisfy a desire for quality time. However, here I’ve listed a few ways that may specifically appeal to those that enjoy time together.
Unfortunately, in my opinion, companionship service does not have the reputation it deserves. Companionship has a deep history across many cultures. Many historic and modern sex work roles include or even focus on companionship. This topic is vast and merits an entire post. Save for that, here are a few examples of service that mainly consist of companionship.
By driving your principal to and from a given location, the two of you can spend quality time together as you serve. This can include casual conversation or deep emotional intimacy. Even if you both remain silent, you two can connect through the closeness that chauffeuring service provides.
Consider the idea of a trophy spouse. If you can be your principal’s “arm candy” at events, it can be very satisfying. Aside from being physically attractive, you can also remind them of important names or details about their fellow attendees. Or, under different circumstances, you can be their respite and sanctuary away from an event where they don’t know many people.
Other Opportunities for Companionship
Companionship skills can add a great deal to any action. For example, if the principal has had a difficult day and needs to vent, a listening ear during a personal care routine can be a great service. Additionally, merely spending time together, potentially in a position of submission, can fulfill these needs for many time lovers.
Service for Word Lovers
I personally struggled with thinking of ways that I have served using words of affirmation. Perhaps this is because I am biased towards ‘active’ service. However, words of affirmation can add to the service mindset that influences the tone of the entire relationship. I’ve written here a few examples of ‘active’ service opportunities in addition to a discussion of other opportunities.
If the principal finds it fitting, you can integrate a ritual expressing your affection into your relationship. The example that comes to mind is a call and response. With the woman I serve, I initiate with “I love serving you,” which she follows with “I love your service.”
Creative performance extolling the virtues of a special individual has a long history. Consider writing a poem, monologue, or song dedicated to the principal. This can be performed privately or at an event with supportive friends and chosen family.
Other Opportunities for Words of Affirmation
A deferential and submissive tone can be used to enhance any service. For example, using third person speech is a difficult but very impressive way to show a lower position. This should be discussed together in detail beforehand, as preferences vary.
I hope that this piece has given you ideas on ways to serve those with various love languages. If this is your first exposure to the idea of love languages, I anticipate that you will find the descriptions helpful. Finally, I feel confident that, if nothing else, I have demonstrated that serving need not be mechanical and without spirit. Please experiment and find something that works for everyone involved!
The founder of The Kinky Butler is slave chase tramel. From primary school onward, he had fantasies of serving as a butler for his schoolyard crushes. Later, when he had the pleasure to serve as a butler at a kinky formal dinner, he realized that butling could be more than a fantasy. As he gathered resources from professional butlers and service-oriented kinksters alike, he realized that he may not be alone in his search. Thus, he created The Kinky Butler to help kinksters bring an air of luxury to their everyday service.