In the world of kink, according to Real Service by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny, there are two main types of dominants: The parent and the rockstar / celebrity. I’ve found this polar scale helpful when explaining my preferences to potential power exchange partners, as it provides a baseline understanding of options. The parental dominant is in charge in a hands-on caretaking way that tends to include proactively handling matters of importance for their submissive, as a parent would for a child. The rockstar is in charge in a way that lends itself more to being waited upon by a submissive, thus the submissive is proactive in handling matters for the rockstar to provide comfort, assistance, or pleasure. This is much more hands-off. After all, a rockstar isn’t really a rockstar without adoring fans who give them celebrity treatment.
Neither style is better or worse than the other. Some dominants will even possess aspects of both the parent and the rockstar. This article, though, will focus deeply on how to get the attention of a rockstar-style dominant, and provide them with service.
We’ll be exploring ways to set yourself apart from the crowd, how to be attentive without getting clingy or annoying, and ideas for the acts of service themselves. For the purpose of this article, we’ll also stick to what’s doable in a dungeon or play party.
What Makes a Rockstar a Rockstar?
Contrary to what the name implies, a rockstar isn’t necessarily the center of attention at an event. They’re simply someone whose preference in power exchange relationships is to be adored, doted upon, and provided service, all without being required to lift a finger.
While the rockstar may not mean the world to all, they do want to be treated like the center of the world by those who serve them. The rockstar may want the attention of solely their number one fan, or they may want an entourage. The rockstar responds positively to reverent adoration from those under them.
Setting Yourself Apart from the Crowd
It’s important to stand out as an individual, which can be particularly helpful if you happen to be one of many admirers, as is commonplace in many FemDomme / male submissive spaces. This means putting forth the effort to look well-groomed, tastefully dressed, and if you already know their preferred aesthetic, choose your outfit to suit it. Personally, I love a sissy maid or butler in traditional black-and-white uniforms.
In general, dressing a notch more formally than others in a group is wise. After all, a butler in a bowtie is an iconic image for a reason!
In addition to looking the part, it’s important to act the part. This means always being early, but never making a fuss about waiting, even if the rockstar shows up extra fashionably late. Always be polite, kind, and respectful, too.
Being Attentive without Becoming Clingy or Annoying
Once you’ve garnered the attention of the rockstar, you’ll want to use it wisely. First, introduce yourself. Keep it simple and complimentary. Avoid bringing up all the things that you want to do and all the reasons why you think you’d be a great companion. It may seem counterintuitive, but I promise, it’ll help keep you out of clingy and annoying territory, from which return is both difficult and improbable.
“Hello, may I introduce myself, Miss Vanessa?” is a perfectly sufficient lead in. Upon being told, “Yes”, you may continue with something along the lines of, “I’m a huge admirer, especially of your play style and photos. You’re even more beautiful in person / It’s such an honor to finally meet you.”
If conversation progresses from here, focus on active listening. This means you concentrate on understanding and demonstrating understanding. Never stare instead of listening – it’s creepy and rude. After a few minutes of chatting, you may want to conclude with an offer to be available for service throughout the rest of the evening, but I caution you against this unless you already have learned what they like and feel confident that you have the existing ability to provide it with reasonable ease and elegance. This is your first impression, so it’s probably best to keep it short and sweet, then to give the rockstar space.
You can then use this time to observe their preferences and maybe even chat up their friends to inquire about what they like if a reasonable opportunity to do so arises. You may then find yourself in a better position to offer to be available for service to this person on future evenings.
Ideas for the Acts of Service
Start by paying attention to what your rockstar does, especially the things they do repeatedly. This step requires patience, possibly over the course of several events, but is your best bet at providing excellent service. Do they always stash their coat and bag upon arrival at a venue? What beverage do they consume, and is it always in their hand or only sometimes? What type of toys do they commonly play with? Do they wear garments made of materials that require special care, such as leather or latex?
Once you’ve taken note of these things, and ideally also had a few more pleasant conversations in which you continued to practice active listening and flattery, you can take the initiative to offer acts of service such as handling their coat and bag, fetching beverages, cleaning their toys after scenes, or polishing their garments.
Be sure to only offer services that you feel qualified to do well, though, and put forth the extra effort to make it feel refined. For instance, if you take their coat, fold it neatly over your arm and walk gingerly. If you’re going to offer a beverage, don’t just grab it with your fist and hand it over. Instead, place it on your flat, opened palm and steady hold just the base with your other hand to make it look nice and make the grip easily accessible. If you’re going to offer to clean their toys or playspace, ask the dungeon staff for tips on how to do so beforehand.
And, of course, if the rockstar should ask you to do any of these services in a specific way, follow that instruction to the letter.
How to Handle All Responses with Equal Grace
When initially offering to serve, make your offer once, and make it clear that you’re willing to accomodate them whenever they’d like throughout the evening, with no pressure for immediacy.
A good example would be, “Hello, it’s great to see you again, Miss Vanessa. I’m interested in providing any service I’m able to if and when it’s helpful to you throughout the evening. Please don’t hesitate to ask me for water, tea, daisy chaining rope, or scene cleanup. Is there any place you’d like me to wait on standby?”
This is non-intrusive, non-demanding, and demonstrates having observed that I drink water and tea and daisy chain my rope. The offer to wait nearby also proves the patience and willingness necessary to provide extra convenience, which every rockstar appreciates. If accepted, you’re good to go!
It’s important to be prepared for the possibility of denial. If denied, you may politely ask if it would be alright to offer again another night. If they are open to it, then at the next gathering just be straightforward and ask, “Would you be interested in receiving any services from me this evening?” If you are declined three instances in a row, including the first, take the hint that it’s not going to happen and that they were placating you. (This is rude of the rockstar, but it’s your duty to be graceful and keep your side of the street clean.)
If they say “no” altogether from the get-go, accept it and move on. Say something like, “Okay, thank you for your time.” It may feel unfair, especially if you’ve put forth the effort to be extra presentable, pleasant, and observant, but you are not owed their attention. Rejection is part of life, and handling it well makes you look good to their peers, one of whom may later accept an offer from you if you choose to pursue them later.
If you’re interested in a rockstar, be prepared to be proactive and put forth independent effort! If you’re going to do a service, learn to do it excellently. If you want to impress, be useful to them instead of glued to the fantasy of what you think would be hot to do for them, which they may not like. Take the initiative to take classes so that you’re able to bootblack, give massages, daisy chain or bundle rope, and provide other services. Offer adoration.
Above all, be respectful.
Vanessa Davis is the co-author of Extreme Art Nudes and an experienced writer on various kink topics. After years of traveling and experiencing the BDSM and fetish scenes throughout Europe and North America, she settled down in Florida where she’s been an active lifestyle participant since 2011. She passionately perpetuates consent culture and educates groups about safe practices for bondage, sensation play, latex, and service. When she’s not at the dungeon, she enjoys spending time reading, cooking, and enjoying theme parks.