Tips from Someone on Both Sides of Service



Every day service.

Those of us that love service, being served, and serving alike know how hard all of these things can be. The planning, execution, and pressure of performance can be daunting even at its best.

Yet there are things we can do to help ourselves, the humans we choose to be in a dynamic with, and the parties we attend.

For Service Providers

Let’s go against the grain and put our service providers first. When I thought I was a submissive, I had to learn how to think on my feet. The man I once called Sir was a venue owner. Therefore my job was to do as much as possible while the party was going and also to prepare the home and play space for our guests. I’d like to share a few of my favorite tricks that helped me.

First, the bane of most of our submissives’ existence or at least my own: the bathroom. Our first instinct may be to do it right before the event for that fresh, clean smell. I actually recommend cleaning it at least four hours before and only spot cleaning closer to the event. The reason for this is that strong smells can affect the flavors of any food or drinks served later. This is also why I personally prefer anyone serving me to wear little to no perfumes.

Next, I recommend that you have an “Oh No” box stored in the bathroom. This is a basket or box filled with anything that can quickly fix something that goes wrong. I filled mine with:

· A travel sewing kit

· Stain remover pens

· Band-Aids and cleansing wipes outside of the first aid kit

· Over the counter pain medication

· A travel size deodorant

· A travel toothbrush and toothpaste

· Menstrual hygiene products (even at all men functions, trans men might need them too)

· Condoms

If this is a personal service with just yourself and your partner, this can be trimmed down to just what the particular Dominant might need, but the “Oh No” box has saved my ass more than once. If you’re going to an event together this can be put in a small bag and squared away.

Second, if you spend a fair amount of time on your knees, I highly recommend getting a dog bed. Specifically, a memory foam dog bed. They can be altered to fit the aesthetics of everyone involved, and they will save your knees in the long run.

This is especially important if you are of larger size, have medical conditions that affect nerves or circulation, or are approaching an age where things just start to hurt. For parties, I recommend sewing backpack straps on the dog bed for easy transportation. For at home, I recommend keeping it next to the place you spend the most intimate time together.

If you don’t kneel, I cannot stress how important your shoes can be. If you’re going to spend any amount of money on your uniform, please take the time to find good shoes and make them as comfortable as possible. Getting the right insoles, finding sturdy shoes that fit well, and keeping up with their care will help you a great deal.

I cannot tell you how many times I neglected my feet to look pretty and the next day I couldn’t walk without pain. When we hurt and neglect ourselves we cannot serve to our full potential.

That brings me to my last point, concentrate on self-care. As a Dominant, my submissive is my favorite toy. When that toy is broken, it upsets both of us. I remember doing this as a submissive, and I always felt that I let my Dominant down. I felt guilty that I couldn’t serve him. However it wasn’t a lack of worth, or anything to feel guilty about. I was still learning how to listen to my body and create that boundary between losing myself in service, and serving my Dominant by taking care of his favorite toy: me. Don’t be afraid of communicating your needs and remember your worth. 

For Service Receivers

Now it’s time to speak with our Dominants.

My first suggestion is to find your submissive’s strengths and roll with them. Are they good with organization? Do they have talents such as music, dance, or art? Are they a good cook? Find these things and give them the attention those talents deserve. Additionally, utilize them in play and when attending or organizing a party.

Likewise, find your submissive’s weaknesses and give them opportunities to learn. I’m not saying to give them difficult tasks every day, but perhaps provide little moments that can be used as milestones to let them see their progress. When times are tough and they are having a hard time seeing their worth, you will now have the power to show them how far they have come while in your service.

When I thought I was a submissive, I had horrible body dysmorphia, social anxiety, and a difficult time using my safe words out of fear of disappointing the man I served. Through the small steps and tasks I was given, I was able to grow without noticing. This meant that I was surprised by my progress when I was given the difficult tasks. I was able to eat in public without shame, host a party on my own, and use safe words without fear of rejection. All because we used my strengths to overcome my weaknesses.

To change gears, the next tip I would like to give is to create a set of protocols for service. This gives comfort and routine, and can streamline the more difficult aspects of service. If you will be throwing an event where multiple submissives will be working together, give them time to coordinate and train together beforehand. Depending on how large the event will be and how high the protocol, this can mean days or months of training. Protocols are set standards of service similar to manners. High protocol is using formal manners and service, while low protocol is more casual.

Lastly, educate yourself just as much as you expect your submissives to do so. Do not rely on them to teach you manners or the small details of the service you are receiving. Commanding your submissive to teach you the various ways of being served can be fun. However, being independently educated on the subject will not only let you test their knowledge, but also keep you from making social mistakes that might otherwise have been avoided.

If you would like more information about this, I recommend ordering my book Leather, Lace, and Spilled Tea: A Guide for ALL Dynamics or reaching out to me on Fetlife for a signed copy.

And as always,

Eat, Drink, and be Merry, for we never know when the spankings will start!

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